Lately, I’ve been feeling like I don’t have any true friends.
Now, before you go on and get offended let me explain. Four years ago, October 20th, to be exact, I packed up my entire life and moved 1,400 miles away from everything and everyone that was familiar.
And I know it seems like I write about this every single year, but I came here, to Texas, with the mindset of two and done.
Two years came and went, and here I am – four years – later with no signs of leaving.
It’s hard, and lately every day is a struggle because I can’t see what God is doing with me here.
Sure, God has placed some pretty great people in my life, and I am truly appreciative of them each and every day. But, I miss “home” and everyone and thing associated with it.
Not too long ago, I wrote about how Texas was starting to feel like “home” with the Superman ice cream, friends I was making, and blah, blah, blah…
But there always felt like there was something missing.
That something, was me – afraid and fearful to show up for my own life.
You see, I can pretend to be fine all day long, but deep down I’m not.
The end of last year was hard, and it came with a lot of changes. Everything I once knew to be safe and familiar ripped apart by a tornado of change, leaving me to stand on the ruins.
So, I stuffed my feelings down, not wanting to talk about any of it for the fear of rejection and tried to rebuild on my own.
You know where that got me? Crying in a parking lot on my 32nd birthday… real proud moment for me.
I couldn’t stuff it down anymore. Anxiety of trying to do it all on my own was spilling over and creating more of a mess than I could ever imagine.
Who was I becoming? Is this who I have always been?
I have always been the one to show up or people, but who in my brokenness was showing up for me? Am I too much or do I really have no one here?
It’s was only to my weakness that I realized I was doing this all wrong. I was trying to “fix” things with my own strength…and want to know a secret? I’m not strong, I’m actually quite weak. And I needed to shift my gaze upward, to the One who can do all things.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
I was letting the lies from the enemy in and starting to believe them.
Truth is – I’m weak and in need of God’s grace and strength each and every day. That is the only way any of us can make it through this broken world.
So, here I am in Texas four years later… still broken, still weak, still relying on the Lord’s strength.
Placed here for God’s glory and the good of others.
Each person He’s placed in my life not by accident, but by His design, to teach me, encourage me and push me closer to Him.
While I may feel like I have zero intentional relationships this season, I know the Lord is working and that isolation is something the enemy wants me to feel. I know I’m not alone – God is with me. “You hem me in, behind and before and lay your hand upon me,” Psalm 139:5, ESV.
The Lord wants me to keep showing up, keep leaning in and trusting Him.
Yes, I may have to do all the work, but love takes risk, love takes forgiveness and grace, and most of all, love takes time, commitment and effort – lots and lots of effort.
Even if that means crying all the way home from Bible Study as I talk to my mom or continually offering grace to the people who keep hurting me day after day after day, or responding to the text or answering the phone in the middle of the night no matter how exhausted or busy I am because I want them to know they matter.
While life may get messy, He restores and rebuilds. The ruins just remind of us of His strength and power.
“Again I will build you so that you will be rebuilt, Virgin Israel. You will take up your tambourines again and go out in joyful dancing,” Jeremiah 31:4, CSB.
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